Fashion rants

Am I a flamingo or am I a woman? Hmm, let me think about that for a moment… oh I¬†know! I am a woman: an adult whose legs support her body and get her from A to B.

Now since I walk around on my legs they have muscles. They are not vastly overdeveloped, bulging out so that passers-by have to give me extra room on the pavement, but they do enable my getting-around. I am not a Barbie doll or a supermodel, whose legs wouldn’t support a sparrow never mind a fully-grown adult. And neither, obviously, am I a skinny 12 year old girl. Now I have nothing against teenage girls, having been one myself, but the world is NOT full of them, or supermodels. And birds, to my certain knowledge, do not buy boots.
So why oh why oh why oh why are boots made for people with legs the width of a matchstick?
And why oh f**king WHY do sales assistants make you feel like some kind of Elephant-Woman- Freak-Calves Lady when the zip will only go half way up?
Sure, they will hoist your leg up onto their thigh and squeeze you in there but legs need blood flow or they will eventually drop off and then your too-tight new boots will have been a waste of money anyway.
All I want is a pair of boots that neither cut off my circulation or flop about like a pair of fisherman’s waders. Can that be too much to ask??
What is this ugly piece of jewelry I keep seeing people wearing? It is worn choker-style, a piece of wire or thread, with feathers or little rows of beads hanging down.
It looks like nothing more than a novelty beard, the sort you hook behind your ears to frighten toddlers or avoid that bothersome ex-boyfriend. The thing being, these strange necklaces are the novelty beard that slipped – which is why I think of them as neck-beards.
A ‘stylist’ (I use the term loosely as she didn’t seem to have any relation to style) in the recent BBC2 series ‘Would Like to Meet’ drew my attention to these bizarre accessories as she persisted in wearing one for several weeks running. Then, because I knew about them, I started noticing them on women in the street. I want to run up to them and shout ‘stop! don’t wear that neck beard!’ But of course I don’t. Their bad taste is their own youporn business.
Neck beards don’t seem to serve much of a purpose: they are not attractive and they even look cheap so no-one is going to envy either your taste or your consumer-power. We can all thank our stars it is the season for diamantes and pearls. Put down that neck beard and embrace your shiny things instead.

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